tiistai 21. tammikuuta 2014

Anime - a world of boobs and glory

An anime buff I am not and Japanese people I find really really weird. You can go on about how it is all about perception and different societal values, but let's be honest here, they are completely different from any other people. It is therefore no surprise that their cartoons are just as weird as they are. And there within lies the secret to why anime is getting more popular everywhere. Where western movies and tv shows have clear boundries, anime has none. It's just so darn refreshing.

So why am I talking about anime if I'm not a real fan. Because you see, I wanted to see what all the fuzz was about. I mean it has to have somekind of appeal right? If I'm being really honest, my first encounter with anime was as early as 20 years ago. I didn't know it at the time, but one of my favorite shows, Silverfang or Ginga as the locals called it, was an anime. If only my parents would have known what I was watching. They would never in a million years have allowed it. A story about feral dogs fighting gigantic monster bears in the mountains of Japan. It was all about gruesome battles, extreme violence, death and life lessons. In other words it was AWESOME. I could give two shits about Bugs Bunny dressing in drag after watching a show like that! Countless nightmares ensued, but hey, it was totally worth it. I would still watch it today, although the animation is slightly outdated now.

Then there is of course all the cutesy anime like Pokemon and Digimon. Thankfully when those came around I was way too old to get invested in them. If you have young kids I'm sure they will get a kick out of it, but kids will watch anything so let's not give credit where it is not deserved. There are also the big names of anime, namely Dragonball Z, Naruto, Bleach etc. I'm just not into that specific genre of anime. If i had to guess I'd say it was aimed towards boys between 10 and 15 yrs. It's nothing for adults, just trust me on this.

Now I have watched relatively new shows like Death Note, Elfen Lied, Code Geass and Attack on Titan. The only one that I can really recommend is Attack on Titan. The plot is intriguing, the animation is breathtaking and the concept is just so 'out there' that you can't help but love it. It's about humans living behind stone walls fending off 50 meter tall humanoid giants that crave human flesh. The feel of despair and utter hopelessness is unlike nothing I have ever experienced. It of course has its flaws, but unlike other animes it manages to captivate the viewer from beginning to end. I can't wait for the second season.

Time to get dirty. Here are some of the main reasons why I dislike anime so much. Pointless, boring inner monologues and filler dialogue that puts you to sleep. The shows always have such magnificent ideas, best example Death Note, in which a highschool student stumbles upon an empty diary and realizes that when he writes a persons name in said book, that person dies. He then becomes a mass murderer with a god complex, killing off most of the world's criminals and anyone trying to catch him. Brilliant! Sadly the story falls apart midway through the show. A great story needs to flow effortlessly from episode to episode. The core idea can only carry a show so far. Most if not all animes suffer from this lack of smooth storytelling. The inner monologues are just killing me e.g. "should I open this door or should I not risk it, what lies on the other side might be too much to bear. What if I do not like what I see. What if I get an errection from opening the door? What if this door doesn't have a handle? Seems like the burden of deciding my next move weighs heavy on my heart". DUDE SHUT THE FUCK UP AND OPEN THE GOD DAMN DOOR ALREADY! Just imagine all the inner monologues when characters actually have to make somewhat big decisions. GAH!

Then there is the boobs, and the upskirt camera angles, and the schoolgirl uniforms, and the shower scenes. Now I will (hardly) be the first to admit that asian chicks are pretty amazing, but this erotica in every frikin' show is getting pretty ridiculous. For once I just wished that the writers would get laid more, so that they could manage to keep their dicks in their pants for a little while longer. Just long enough that they can create new shows without having to think about sex. I simply cannot take anything seriously after seeing a school girl jump up and down (for no apparent reason) with her double D sized, jiggling like jello boobies. Japanese people are nothing if not the biggest pervs on the planet. Sorry, but you are and it is freaking everyone out, so cool it, okay? And what is with the female voice actors sounding like small hamsters? Don't even get me started on the tentacle porn and rape stuff. It's hella disturbing!

Not to forget, the theme song for any show will last for at least 2 minutes and god forbid they try to sing the song in English. It's like a game of Scrabble. One random word after the other, forming sentences that can hardly even be called sentences. South Park proved this point best when they made the anime parody episode with the main lyrics going: "let's go fighting love". Mind you it was a show about ninjas, not teenage romance. This is something you just have to see to believe. Goes with out saying - I always skip the opening and credit scenes... always.

This is not really an issue. I'm just confused about it. Why do the characters in every show have to look so western and big eyed. And what is up with all the male leads looking like beautiful princesses? Is this an unwritten rule amongst anime artists? Can't someone stray from the path? I saw a girl get raped by a demon. Are you telling me that that is okay, but when it comes to trying to draw characters a bit differently THAT is where you draw the line?!

Case and point, It is my opinion that you cannot fall in love with anime just like that, especially if you have not watched any anime before this. Besides it is not for everyone. I'll just say that if you are really bored with sitcoms and HBO dramas, you might wanna give anime a chance. I mean what do you have to lose? Oh and did I mention there is boobs?

lauantai 7. joulukuuta 2013

The Hunger Games - Why it just doesn't feel right

Let's get one thing straight - Jennifer Lawrence is a star. She is beautiful, funny and talented. I love her and I'm happy that the Hunger Games pushed her into the spotlight.

What I'm irritated with is the Hunger Games universe and the various loopholes in the story. Is it a rip-off of the hit movie Battle Royal? Maybe? Do I care? Not really. Battle Royal was not the first movie to play around with idea of a killing game. Therefore following that logic Battle Royal is a rip-off, and I really couldn't care less, since it is a fantastic film that delivers from start to finish. The Hunger Games on the otherhand is just plain stupid and it's aimed towards teens and we all know teens like stupid shit. Heck, we've all been teenagers, so let's not blame them for being ignorant. Jackass, Adam Sandler, Lost, I used to eat that shit up like it was pancakes covered with nutella. But like everyone else I too would eventually grow up and see all those things for the junk that they really were. This is why I'm overlooking the fact that people actually enjoy the Hunger Games books and movies. Instead I will direct all my aggression towards the people who had the gonads to write this heap of steeming horse crap. I'm not gonna break down the movies scene by scene. No, instead I will give you three reasons for why the Hunger Games doesn't deserve to exist.

Loophole number 1. Dressing up like flamboyant gay guys with blue hair and majestic toupees will never be a thing. Not in this world and not in any other pararell universe for that matter. I'm calling major BS. Just like that attention whore Lady Gaga (excuse the expression), the writers of the Hunger Games realised that the only way people will remember these movies is by adding ridiculous attention grabbing costumes into the mix. Trying to shift the focus from the plot to something else is a clear sign of a bad story. It's a desperate attempt to cover up the fact that the Hunger Games is utter bullshit.

Loophole number 2. How ever poor or how ever desperate, no village (or district as they call them in the movie) would never in a million years let kids as young as 7 years old go off and participate in a game that they so clearly will never live through. Especially when anyone can so easily volunteer to take the place of a tribute (=a person selected for then Hunger Games). Solution, every district would train a selected group of teenagers to become warriors. When the time came for the lottery, these trained killers/survivalists would volunteer for the Hunger Games in place of whom ever would originally be picked to participate. It's as simple as that. Pretty retarded that not one of the districts has realised that this loophole exists and that there is a clear-as-day solution to work around it? Too fucking retarded if you ask me.

If you seriously aren't convinced yet I have one more point to make.

Loophole number 3. We the audience are led to believe that people are betting on which contestant will win the games. Why else would anyone sponsor the contestants with gifts and weapons during the game. The betting is not the problem. The problem is this - who would place a single bet in a game that is so clearly rigged. The overseers of the Hunger Games constantly interween with the outcome of the game. They shoot fireballs, ignite forest fires and send in roided up bulldogs to hunt down selected contestants. Knowing all that, why the hell would anyone spend money on betting or sponsoring contestants when it is so clear that the producers of the show are trying to control who wins? Can we all agree now? Surely you agree with me?

The Hunger Games is bullshit. Mind you, it is a thousand times better than Twilight, but that is not saying much.

What would a well-made Hunger Games remake look like you ask? Well firstly, the characters would not look like coked-up Richard Simmons or Elton John clones. Volunteering would not be allowed. The producers would not have any say in the outcome of the game. The world would be more realistic. The audience would much rather see as many contestants die as possible. No one would give two shits about contestants falling in love. The games would be much more gruesome: decapitations, gang rapes and people pooping in bushes. Seriously did Katniss not need to take a poop a single time during the game. I don't buy it. No one is that perfect, not even Jennifer Lawrence, bless her heart.

maanantai 22. heinäkuuta 2013

A Good Day to Die Hard - how to kill a movie series

Remember the first three Die Hard movies? Weren't they great? Great villains, memorable quotes, heart-stopping action and interesting plots. I love love loved those movies and I would be happy to watch them again at anytime in anyplace.

Unfortunately it was all downhill from there...

Like a fat guy in a canoe, the 4th movie was a laughable sight. Quite frankly, it sucked. Still, I forgave Willis. I had to assume that this was a one-time thing. An unexplainable mishap that could be shoved into oblivion. John McClane was my childhood hero, so of course I had faith in that one day he would return stronger and better just like in the good ol' days. Boy was I wrong.

The fifth installment of this series has got to be one of the WORST action movies I have ever seen. You know those cheap ass Steven Seagal and Wesley Snipes movies that are always shot in some East-European country like Bulgaria or Belarus. Die Hard 5 is eerily similar to those sorry excuses of cinema. If you take out all the million dollar CGI explosions you're left with nothing but an aging Bruce Willis and a cast of b-class actors.

This movie franchise just refuses to die. How fucking ironic is that!!! Every god damn title has the word "die" in it and this shit just keeps on going and going and going. Death is an empty promise, nothing more. It's pointless for me to start going through every last flaw in this flick, because quite frankly I hated all of it.  The plot is predictable, the action is boring and what sums up the whole movie is this: throughout the movie McClane's son always refers to him as "John" instead of "dad" or "father". Why? Apparently, for reasons unknown, these two guys are having family issues... barf. So get this, in the end the son comes around and starts calling him "dad" again! OH MY GOD! This sequel is packed with movie clichès from start to finish. How about you dumb asses come up with something original for a change? Seriously!

I have so many questions, I doubt they will ever get answered. Who approved the script? Is Bruce Willis trying to follow in Nicolas Cage's footsteps? Why won't you die hard already??

You had a good run Brucie boy, but now it's time to call it quits and retire! Nothing lasts forever.

sunnuntai 21. huhtikuuta 2013

Mama - A Cliched Ghost Story

There is no denying that Mama actually offers a couple of good scares. I mean the scenes where the girls are crawling in the dark are freaky to say the least. The PMSing demon ghost mama also makes some gruesome noises that had me cringing a few times. These elements were made famous a while back by Japanese horror flicks like The Ring and and The Grudge. It is nothing new, but I have to admit it still gets to me.

The acting is pretty half-assed. Jaime Lannister (real name Nikolaj something something) is evidently taking a short break from shooting Game of Thrones and we all sure wished he wouldn't have. His character could just as well have been killed off after the first 15 minutes and it wouldn't have made any difference to the plot. However, for some reason the writers decided to let him tag along and continue being absolutely useless through out the duration of the movie. Jessica Chastain looked pretty hot playing a sassy rocker chick turned step-mom, but the character in itself was pretty one dimensional and I could honestly not really give a rats ass if she lived or died. What about the children then? Meh. 90 % of  child actors suck at acting and these two girls definitely fall in that suckfest of a category.

The plot was your typical ghost-out-for-revenge -story, where the ghost is impossible to beat and you just have to wait until the very last 10 minutes to see whether or not someone comes up with a nifty plan for defeating the sorry bastard. Just once I wish that one of the victims would actually come back from the dead and hunt the actual ghost, but no, this is the movies and the rules clearly state that there can only be one ghost per movie. Mama came back from the dead, why can't her victims do the same? Oh and guess why Mama is acting out like this? When she he offed her self back in the day, she also killed her own child in the process. Now she's come back to look for her baby, who she herself killed mind you, and we are supposed to be ok with that. What a crummy excuse to justify her coming back! The viewer has to watch the ghost act like an asshole for two hours only to witness that in the end the ghost will just end up getting what it wanted. What a load of crock! Every ghost movie follows the same god damn plot e.g. Blair Witch Project, Paranormal Activity 1,  PA 2 , PA 3 , PA 4 (I really hate Paranormal Activity) etc. - ghost is a total asshole, everyone dies and ghost wins.

Hollywood can you please make it so that in the next ghost movie the ghost gets brutally ass raped in the end? I would pay to see that.

What can I say, Mama is a typical revenge story with a few good scares and a whole bunch of stupid white people with flashlights. Frack it, I'm watching Ghostbusters next!

I give this movie 5/10 Jaime Lannisters